


Grainy Dots

by SyuichiAki



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Injuries, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 04:55:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17094305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SyuichiAki/pseuds/SyuichiAki
Summary: Something’s wrong with him, with Shoma. He looked shaken during practice and it seems to carry throughout the competition. Frowning, Yuzuru grabs his phone and taps into the LINE app.GPF 2018 and Yuruzu's attempts to cheer Shoma up.





	Grainy Dots

**Author's Note:**

> This is my 1st fanfic and English isn't my native language (unbeta-ed) but this idea wouldn't leave me after watching GPF 2018 and going through Shoma's interviews somehow.
> 
> Story is based on real life people mentioned above but are entirely fiction.

“Yuzuru, dinner would be ready soon.” Few knocks and a voice filters through the door, knocking Yuzuru out of his stupor and his eyes traces around his dimly lit room and back onto the laptop on his lap still showing the results of the grand prix final’s free program. “Coming, just a minute.” He sighs, running a hand down his face and hoping his meek voice carries through the door.“Okay. Watch your steps.” Yuzuru smiles as his mother’s soothing voice calms him and he slumps back onto the pillow, shutting his laptop.

Something’s wrong with him, with Shoma. He looked shaken during practice and it seems to carry throughout the competition. Frowning, Yuzuru grabs his phone and taps into the LINE app, the last conversation he had with Shoma was just a few days ago on his birthday, the message was short but sweet and none had contacted each other throughout the competition, an unspoken rule between them so their concentration wouldn’t be directed elsewhere. Yuzuru snorts and pushes his laptop aside, planting his feet onto the floor and gingerly balances himself from one foot to the other.

To be honest with himself, he almost rang Shoma yesterday after watching him during the short program’s press conference, the fact that they’re finally in the same country and time zone didn’t help. He looked sad, broken, eyes rapidly blinking and looking everywhere but the cameras at one point. Staring at Shoma’s icon –a bowl of yakiniku, that idiot, wait who is he to judge, he has a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows as his icon- Yuzuru shoots a quick congratulatory message and states that he wishes they could skype when Shoma’s free after the medal ceremony. Placing his phone on the night stand, he leaves the room, silently praying the media wouldn’t eat Shoma up.

-

Of course they did, who was he kidding, like sharks upon the first smell of blood. If it weren’t for the frustrating aura Yuzuru could almost see emitting from Shoma, he would have laughed at the way Nathan and Jun-Hwan took one look at the scene and bolted. Settling comfortably against the pillow propped against the headboard, Yuzuru re-reads the message Shoma has sent him. It consists of nothing other than the time they were supposed to skype and two hearts; a whole and a broken one. Looks like his habit of using emoticons has finally rubbed off on Shoma. 10 minutes to go, he might as well check up on the news, maybe a little wouldn’t hurt. Yuzuru sighs and puts his phone down. No, he really needs to stop reading about him and Shoma on the news. He knows enough.

His phone rings and he scrambles to pick it up, quickly accepting the call before he could fix himself. “What are you doing?” Shoma’s amused voice crackles through the tiny speaker of his phone, as he watches Yuzuru straighten up and tries to fix his hair, a huge yet embarrassed grin plastered on his face. “Why hello to you too.” Yuzuru studies him through the small screen, squinting to see how Shoma’s wet hair are plastered to his forehead, his cheeks pleasantly flushed and a small towel hangs around his neck. He thanks all the heavenly beings that Shoma at least has his shirt on.

“Yuzu, you’re too close.” Shoma chuckles, tilts his head and proceeds to dry his hair with the towel around his neck, all the while staring straight into the camera and right into Yuzuru’s heart. Oh how he missed seeing those huge brown eyes up close. Are the lights playing tricks on him or did Shoma’s blush darken. “I should have answered on the laptop.” Yuzuru laughs and leans back against the pillow, ignoring the fact that he just got caught staring. It’s not the first time and they’re both guilty of it, catching the other in a peaceful slumber while tracing their favourite features; the eyes, nose, lips. His secret phone gallery is full of Shoma’s sleeping photos and he’s not stopping anytime soon despite the other’s protest.

“But it’s more flexible on the phone. Right?” Shoma says, more like a statement instead of a question and he flops ungracefully onto the bed, taking the phone with him and it’s all a blur for Yuzuru until the camera refocuses again and all he could see is Shoma’s face squished into the pillow. Rubbing his face against the smooth cool material, Shoma lets out a groan and turns towards the camera, mushing one side of his face against the pillow and stares owlishly up at Yuzuru. Warmth spreads into Yuzuru’s chest and his heart aches, wishing to be on the other side of the country and on the same bed with Shoma, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face into those fluffy tangled mess of a hair. Fate hasn’t particularly been nice to Yuzuru, cruel even; to sustain another injury –although not as awful as last year-  right as he was about to compete for the GPF and Nationals. It puts even more months apart between him and Shoma but it wasn’t their first trial with separation and injuries. Their relationship hasn’t been particularly been a smooth ride especially during the Olympic season and Yuzuru’s horrifying injury puts a strain between them but they’ve learnt how to communicate better and they’ve never been happier while they were competing together –and against each other- in Pyeongchang.

Yuzuru hums and slides down, mirroring Shoma’s pose. He could pretend they’re next to each other like this. Comfortable silence passes between them as they study each other’s face. “Tell me about it?” It isn’t a demand, nor a plea but Yuzuru wishes Shoma would talk to him, especially after seeing how distraught he was. Shoma lowers his eyes and stares at the bottom of the screen, worrying his chapped lips.  “I just-“ his voice quivers and Shoma shakes his head slightly, bringing his other hand up, balling it into a fist and tucks it under his chin, pulling himself in like a ball. “I’m sorry…It’s another silver.”  It’s barely a whisper but Yuzuru heard it all. He releases a breath he doesn’t realize he’s holding and makes a pained noise. Shoma is rapidly blinking now, his eyes turning glassy with unshed tears and he turns his head into the pillow to hide his face. “Sho no-“ Yuzuru shoots his hand out in attempt to hold Shoma, only to find his hand falling limply onto the cold pillow next to him, hand balled into a fist upon realization. He watches helplessly as Shoma turns entirely into the pillow, a sob wrecking out of him and the screen shakes as his hold on the phone loosens.

“I’m here.” Yuzuru coos, he knows better than to force Shoma to talk when he’s overwhelmed, he learned it the hard way. They both did and it further solidifies their relationship. “I’ll wait.” But he doesn’t have to wait long at all, for minutes later; Shoma meekly turns his head to face the camera again, eyes puffy but his gaze unwavering, strong headed yet fragile at time. Shoma sniffs and rubs his red nose, before balling his hand and putting it under his chin again, an attempt to anchor himself. “My jumps started to get shaky during practice. I lost my confidence.” His voice shakes slightly and Shoma takes a deep breath, collecting himself. Yuzuru nods and makes a sound to show that he’s listening, prompting Shoma on. “I realized it’s hard to believe in myself. I didn’t want to compete at one point and I haven’t had that feeling for a while…..You know how I usually make a comeback during the free program?” Shoma probes, voice a pitch too high, but he’s not expecting an answer. His eyes fall into a half mast, no longer holding Yuzuru’s gaze as he recalls the outcome of his skate. “I failed everyone’s expectations. Especially under all these pressure, I just couldn’t carry the responsibility.” Yuzuru inhales, he expected this the moment he reads Shoma’s interview right after the short program. He’s very blunt and honest about his feelings, but he’s also very self critical to the point of self destruction. All the emotions he’s been bottling up have hit its limit and Yuzuru could tell that Shoma’s exhausted, mentally exhausted. “Shoma…You’re not a failure. There’s a reason why I say you’re made out of titanium live on television. Do you remember that?”

A weak smile graces Shoma’s lips. “How could I forget?” Shoma’s eyes snaps back up to hold Yuzuru’s gaze through the camera, it burns. “But you’re amazing Yuzu. You perform well under pressure, you deliver beautiful performances.” Yuzuru loves and hates the way Shoma is looking at him now. “I can no longer just enjoy skating. I have to do the same in order to be an athlete like you. I have to pressure myself.” Despite the respect and boundaries they’ve established in their relationship, as athletes;  the competitiveness, the idolization and admiration slips in and they’ve promised to never to take it easy on each other albeit taking the frustrations they have for each other out of their system in other ‘healthy ways’. “Nothing good would come out of this if you no longer enjoy skating, Sho.” Yuzuru whispers, his eyes darken and a determined look graces his face. “You’re the most hardworking person I know. The years it took for you to get 3A and how you broke down and wanted to skate on a fatigue fracture back in juniors?” Shoma shoots him a curious look. “Yes, I bought and read Itsuki’s book.” Yuzuru laughs and looks at Shoma fondly as he splutters, glad that the atmosphere between them has lighten a little. “There’s a lot you have to tell me but we’ll get to that later.” Yuzuru grips his phone with both hands; wanting nothing more than to hold Shoma’s face between his palms and wipes those tear tracks away.

“You’re amazing, Shoma. You’re more than capable of being a champion.” He hears Shoma’s sharp intake of breath and pushes on, determined to see the fire back in those brown eyes he’s so used to drown himself into. “Everyone has their own struggles and pressures they have to overcome. But you have a whole nation watching, hungry and are expecting you to live up to a legacy” Yuzuru shrugs. “It’s not something that everyone has to burden while building themselves up, not even me. You’re valid.” Yuzuru grins at Shoma’s awestruck face on his phone, wishing he could screenshot it without Shoma noticing but he’s not going to risk it. “You just have to love yourself more and no one can do it for you but you. Break this wall Shoma.” Yuzuru’s gaze bores down upon Shoma’s baffled expression. “Bulldoze it like the bulldozer Daisuke said you are.” He watches fondly as Shoma beams, pouts and hides his face behind his hand. “Yuzuu….!” He whines, voice muffled.  Okay, Yuzuru’s starting to regret his decision of not answering this particular call on his laptop so he could record Shoma’s reaction. Shaking his head, Yuzuru snorts, yeah he’s starting to sound like a creep. “What?” Shoma shoots him a pointed look from behind his fingers. “Nothing, I really want to ruffle your hair and squeeze your red cheeks right now.” Yuzuru states the obvious and makes grabby hands at the camera for added effect, laughing fondly as Shoma practically rolls his eye and runs his hand over his face.

“I love you.” Shoma mumbles quietly from behind his palm. He still has problems declaring his feelings out in the open for Yuzuru, mostly mumbled into his skin or whispered against his hair but he’ll take it. There’s plenty of time. “And you’re my world.” Yuzuru adds, enjoying the reaction he’s pulling from Shoma as the other practically groans and slaps a hand over his phone, rendering the screen black. “Shoma!” Scrambing, Yuzuru checks the connection to make sure the call wasn’t ended and relief floods through him as he hears Shoma’s squeaky laughter crackling through the speakers. “You’re so dramatic.” Shoma removes his hand from the camera and moves to make himself more comfortable, laying flat on his back holding the phone up above him. “This angle isn’t so bad. I should have used a selfie-stick.” Bad is an absolute understatement, Yuzuru gulps hard as he rakes his eyes over the screen, drinking in the sight as Shoma’s hair fans on the pillow, his huge doe eyes staring up at him, the towel around his neck askew, and the neckline of his oversized shirt pulled a little too low. A warm feeling pools in Yuzuru’s stomach and his heart clenches. Sometimes Yuzuru wishes he didn’t taint the people close to him so he could cherish their time together forever. He lets out a sigh and closes his eyes, only to open them and is greeted by Shoma’s confused look. “What do you mean-” Yuzuru lets out a chocked laugh, “Sorry, did I say that out loud?”

“Yuzu.…talk to me.” Shoma pushes himself up and flops against the headboard, a look of concern on his face as he stares into the camera and patiently waits for Yuzuru with a small smile gracing his lips. Yuzuru chuckles, looks like their roles has been reversed. Trust Shoma to be sensitive and intuitive when it comes to matters concerning Yuzuru. He sighs and mirrors Shoma’s position, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes to collect himself. “I wish I could protect you. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t me whom you have to prove yourself over.” Shoma frowns and makes a concerned noise, leaning slightly closer to the camera. “It feels lonely at the top when everyone I’m ever close with ends up having to distance themselves, one way or another.” Shoma’s face falls, he knows what Yuzuru is talking about, it was a well discussed topic among the figure skating community, the popularity that surrounds Yuzuru and the effects it has on him and ultimately the people close to him; Javi, Misha, Evgenia and now Shoma. There’s a reason why Shoma feels a bit overwhelmed with Yuzuru’s affection in public even before they were dating. Wherever Yuzuru goes, he commands attention, be it good or bad. He’s aware of the eyes of the world following his footsteps, judging his worthiness of such attention every time Yuzuru ruffles his hair or even flashes that huge grin of his in Shoma’s direction. The wedding pose was his mistake but it was a sweet escape, adored by the world, an open affection that they could both proudly display; once he stops being embarrassed about it every time Yuzuru offers his arm, grinning down at him. Things changed, feelings developed as he warms up to Yuzuru and the rest are history.

“Yuzu, you’ve done enough for me. It’s not your fault. None of it.” Shoma says, words punched out and he bites his lips. “We can’t control people. You’ve given so much of yourself.” Shoma tilts his head, and regards Yuzu with warm fond eyes. “It’s time for you to do what you like, skate however you want, to whatever you want.” “Like what I did at the Rostelecom Cup?” Yuzuru asks, rising his brows, and smiling at Shoma who huffs and throws Yuzuru a stern look. “You know what I mean.” Shoma doesn’t question Yuzuru’s decision to skate on pain killers, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t flood Yuzuru’s inbox with messages the moment he saw the video of him limping out of practice with ice strapped to his ankle, nor is he going to admit the number of times he had the video of Yuzuru’s fall repeated in order to determine the extent of the damage his ankle sustained. The image of Yuzuru on his crutches, smiling brightly at the world despite the pain is permanently burned into his mind. Shoma is suddenly hit by an urge to protect the man who’s currently grinning at him from the grainy display of his phone, to hide him from the views of the world, to keep him in the dark about the nasty horrible things that are written about them online and to live in a void where time, results and pain didn’t exist. He’s been through so much yet Yuzuru’s desire to shield Shoma is stronger than Shoma’s own desire to protect his own personal well being.

“I could say the same to you.” Shoma raises his eyebrows at Yuzuru’s statement and regards him curiously. “Stick to your personal goal, Shoma. You want to win with a program choreographed by your own team right? It doesn’t matter what other people want.” Leave it to Yuzuru, the master motivator; whose very presence at a competition sparks a fire in his competitors to propel Shoma forward. Shoma laughs and looks down at his palm, smiling sadly before balling it into a fist. “It may cost me the gold….” He blinks, looks up and smiles widely at Yuzuru, nose srunching and eyes shining. “But I won’t give up. I’ll improve and I’ll catch up to you. Please wait for me.” Yuzuru laughs fondly, eyes crinkling in response to Shoma’s blinding smile. He brings his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them and  holds his phone at an arm’s length. “You’ve been nipping at my heels for quite some time, Shoma. ‘Even by just 1%, in order to win against Hanyu-senshu’” Yuzuru adds and makes an air quote with his free hand, smiling gleefully. “Stop quoting my words back at me!” Shoma squawks at him. “- and it’s sensationalized.”

Shoma sighs and looks into the camera through his lashes, feeling bashful. “I can’t wait to be on the same podium with you again.” His voice turns into a soft whisper as he shoots Yuzuru with the old too familiar ‘puppy look’, wide eyes, head tilted and all. Will Yuzuru ever get bored of such a look? Never. His slipped up during the Olympic live interview; declaring how Shoma looks like a puppy to the entire world further solidifies this fact. No regrets, even though he had to deal with an annoyed Shoma afterwards. “To be married to me?” Yuzu says gleefully, wiggling his eyebrows and Shoma snorts. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to spend some time back in Nagano’s ice show.” Yuzuru adds, huffing and proceeds to run his free hand through his hair, ruffling the hairs at the top of his head before attempting to tame it down, not noticing the way Shoma’s eyes seems to follow each movement. “It’s okay-.” Something seems to distract Shoma as he frowns to read something on the screen. “Sorry, Yuzu. I have to go. Mihoko wants to see me before the gala practice tomorrow. I take it we won’t see you at Nationals?” Shoma smiles despite himself, he knows the pressure would be like no other, particularly after his disappointing skate at GPF and the way the media just seems to have a field day with his interviews, painting him as the lost hope. The winner would always be trilled, bronze happy to be included but the silver forever frustrated. But he knows he shouldn’t dwell too long on past competitions. His eyes are set on his next target, his next goal; he needs to build his confidence.

“You seem to know my rehab patterns by now.” Yuzuru chuckles, and shakes his head, staring into the camera with a sad yet resigned smile. “Yes. Although it’s not official yet; my 3rd withdrawal in a row.” Shoma presses his lips in a thin line, lost in his thoughts. His wins in Japanese Nationals didn’t feel real to him, it feels accidental because Yuzuru wasn’t there and he knows he’s being negative of himself again. But it’s a known fact, something he has no shame admitting in interviews, he wasn’t enough. “Shoma, I believe in you.” Yuzuru’s words are like the first kisses of rain after a long week of draught, and Shoma blinks rapidly, red colouring his cheeks as he noticed the way Yuzuru was staring at him patiently with a fond smile. “Sorry. I zoned out, and gosh- the time.” Shoma slides across the bed, getting on his feet and walks towards the bathroom, all the while carrying his phone with him at an arm’s length, beaming at Yuzuru. “Thank you, Yuzu. I’ll do my best and aim to deliver a good performance.” Shoma nods and bows slightly, his heart feels full. The tears shed beforehand long forgotten. “That’s my Shoma. So are you gonna let me watch you primp in front of the mirror or-“ Shoma rolls his eyes and shoots Yuzuru a sideways glance, a playful smirk upon his lips. “I’ll even let you watch me shower again if there’s time but I have to go.” It’s Yuzuru’s turn to squawk and he gapes at the mental image. Shoma even has the audacity to pout and look disappointed that he couldn’t put on a show. “I’ll hold you to that.” Yuzuru huffs and grins at him, winking for extra effect. “Bye, Shoma.” Shoma pokes his tongue out, waving his free hand at the camera in attempt to wave Yuzuru off before giving him the softest smile, eyes half mast and full of love, the screen goes black.

-

Skidding into a halt by the exit, Shoma takes the red and black Toyota jacket Mihoko has laid out for him on the boards. He has just finished his run-through and he could feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins. He’s taking it easy today, not forcing his jumps out and risk destabilizing himself. Shoma takes a quick look around the rink as he slips his jacket on; at his competitors effortlessly gliding as though they’re flying, at the cameras rapidly clicking -Daisuke glides by and Shoma takes a deep breath. He doesn’t have time to look around. “Shoma.” He smiles and turns towards Mihoko, guard blades in her hand and a knowing smile upon her face. He nods, takes the guards and snaps it into place, leaving the ice with an even clearer head. Ruffling through his bag in the locker room, Shoma fishes his phone out of the sea of green tea bottles and energy drinks. He taps the screen and quickly scans through the numerous messages, stopping on one from a certain ‘hot chocolate with marshmallows’;

Yuzuru Gold Hanyu: Happy Birthday again❤ Good luck at Nationals! Believe in yourself ❤

**Author's Note:**

> I may have used Shoma's actual quotes from GFP and other interviews in this. He sounds so disappointed with himself it hurts. Good luck at Nationals, Shooms. Believe in yourself!


End file.
